The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and to be loved in return

Loving is me when I tell you that I want to climb Mount Olympus, you don’t tell me that hiking is dangerous and I would get lost and I would die and I would trouble others to mount a search and rescue for me. Instead, you say ooh that’s exciting but it can be risky, so let’s get a guide who will help us.

Loving me is when I tell you that I wanted to get a big bike license you don’t tell me bikes are dangerous and I would get myself killed. Instead, you say what a wonderful skill to learn and you might fall a few times it happens to every rider so let’s get you some protective gear.

To be loved is to be understood and supported and cheered on every step of the way, even in the silly and dangerous parts, because that’s just life.

The axe forgets

I just ran into a couple of my ex-students from when I first started teaching. Literally, there were two of them, and they’re a couple now. Both were in my class. Both were super smart, high-achievers, and yet sweet and lovely and a pleasure to have in class. Moreover, they’re curious and inquisitive – they keep you on your toes and push you to grow alongside them.

And yet, what they said to me was, “We were horrible kids, weren’t we, miss?” They laughed apologetically, as if they really were horrible.

I know where it came from. The programme I was teaching was to prepare crème de la crème students for tertiary study in the US, and yet we were physically placed in (i.e. borrowing the facilities of) a vocational college located in a rural area. I’m not looking down on them, and I certainly know how important TVET is to our society, but the other students at the college came from more humble academic and socioeconomic backgrounds. This created friction, with my innocent but high-flying students being viewed as snobbish and entitled. Not just among the other students, but some of the teachers, too.

Actually, especially among some of the teachers. Some of the more horrible ones did their best to “discipline” and “humble” these students. There were many a roll-call with harsh words, even incidents of shaving patches of students’ hair. Up to the point where these students carried those voices till now, convinced that they were horrible people, when, in fact, those teachers suffered inferiority complex and took it out on the students. If the perpetrators were students these incidents would have been called bullying and hazing – but since committed by teachers, they’re somehow legit disciplinary methods.

“When I was awarded the top scorer of our batch, Mr X told me, ‘Oh, that’s nothing. Your senior last batch scored higher.'” Ten years later and the child, now all grown up, still remembers being belittled by a respected adult on a day when she was supposed to be proud.

As adults, as educators, sometimes we forget that things that we do are not inconsequential. We have the power to create some of the happiest memories in another person’s life, and we can contribute towards shaping them into confident, kind individuals that are well-adjusted. It doesn’t even take much – some kindness, empathy and patience, a willingness to listen, and a genuine respect for our students. Often, we demand these things from our students, but we forget to extend them to the students ourselves.

Sometimes when I say I’m a teacher, the reaction I would get is, “I don’t know how you do it. Kids these days… I don’t know what’s going on with them.” Inevitably, there will be laments that kids are getting “worse”, “weaker”, “more entitled”, and “softer” every year. In my experience, this has not been true at all. Sure, kids from different years, even different semesters, would have noticeably different personalities. Some years they’re more chatty, some years more energetic, some years more reserved, but kids aren’t inherently bad or rude or evil. They simply mirror your energy. If you see their humanity and treat them with respect, they will treat you in kind. But if you treat them with suspicion and mistrust, convinced that they’re out to cross your line, then that will be a self-fulfilling prophesy.

The graduation scene from Goblin (2016), where the Goddess Sham Shin scolds a teacher for being horrible to her students, always touches me. Some people are so hurt that they can only hurt those around them, and it’s so sad when they happen to be teachers.

Good for me

Don’t you just hate it when your therapist is right bang on the money?

So I was sharing about how I’m struggling to let Mr. Geocacher go. Still. We broke up, if you can consider the termination of a situasionship a break up, way back in July last year. That’s like, what? 6 months ago? More? but I still miss him.

When I was in Budapest I missed him as I geocached; in Istanbul one night I cried my eyes out over the fact that we were supposed to take this trip together. Part of me thought that it was stupid to cry over a guy who wasn’t even actually a boyfriend, but another part of me recognises that hey, whatever its status, the relationship we had is real, and the emotions attached to it are real, too. And it’s okay for me to honour those emotions.

After I came back from Budapest I even rejoiced that I felt so much pain from losing Mr. Geocacher, because that means that I was healing from my emotional numbness. I was now able to actually experience emotion, even if it hurts. And I simply honoured my emotions when I missed him, when I got the impulse to check the app to see if he had been geocaching. The only impulse I checked was the desire to text him – for all that I miss him terribly, there is no feasible future for us, so what was my objective in trying to reconnect?

Then in Taiwan, I dreamt of him. It was a bad dream. He had had his PTSD triggered so bad that he needed close care, but there was no one to care for him, until I showed up. I woke up worrying that he was lying ill somewhere with no one to care for him. I worried about him so much Big Emotions came and brought inconsolable tears – I let my emotions have their space even though I was on a bus and must have looked like I had just been to a funeral.

Then the earthquake hit Myanmar and parts of Thailand. I worried again that he was lying under some rubbles, but when I checked that Phuket was not on the same side as the epicenter, I concluded that he was probably alright and controlled the impulse to check if he was okay.

Ever so slowly, I realise that my longing for him started to calm down. It’s still there, but mostly lowkey. Moments when he came into my mind were few and far between, and their intensity is much reduced. Impulses to check his geocaching stats as well as text him are also more dormant.

But then yesterday I started watching DOTS for the umpteenth time – and the fact that it was an army show was enough to reignite my yearning for him with a vengence. The logical side of me reasoned that since the show was interrupting my healing and moving on process from him, I should stop watching the show. Then another side of me got angry. It was already lowkey angry that I was still hung up on this guy, and then he was going to dictate what I can and cannot do even while not being in my life? Fuck that.

So today I was telling my therapist everything about Mr. Geocacher and wondering why I was still so hung up on him. I lamented that he didn’t give us a chance even though “I would have been good for him.”

All she said was, “And would he have been good for you?”

A fireball baby

Do you know what? I’ve been working on myself a lot these past few years, if I do say so myself.

It’s an ongoing journey and there’s much room for growth, for sure, but in general I’ve changed from someone who does not feel emotion to someone who is more accepting of it. Because, let’s face it, it’s not that I didn’t feel emotion – it’s just that I didn’t feel safe experiencing it and expressing it so I used to push it down and really bury it. When I first started therapy, I used to panic when my therapist(s) asked, what are you feeling right now?, because my inability to answer that question collided with my need to appear perfect and on top of things, so that the immediate response would only ever be, what’s the correct answer? What’s the answer they want to hear?

It’s not perfect, but sometimes now I can identify my feelings and give them space. Sit with them. Honour them. My emotions are safe with me. It helps a lot to learn that an emotion is typically experienced for 90 seconds. That’s it. 90 seconds. Of course 90 seconds feel much longer during the heights of emotion, but when you reflect on things when you’re clear-minded, everyone has 90 seconds to sit with their feelings, allow it to regulate. Repressing it might feel more instantaneous in the moment, but, hey as I’ve lived the consequences, the impact would be so much long-lasting and so much harder to deal with.

Anyway.

Today is, maybe, the 28th of Ramadhan. I’ve, of course, been very callous of it, because I’m no longer fasting. When was it that we came to the conclusion that given my other choices regarding religion, God would have metaphorically thrown my fast back in my face, so I just decided not to. This year I even went to Taiwan in the middle of Ramadhan – is it better or worse to know that I decided that without realising that it was Ramadhan – and had a great time. It’s great to not have to hide that you’re not fasting. I’ve come to the point where I really resent the fact that it is illegal for me to eat in Malaysia openly out in public during Ramadhan. Like why? Why? If you’re practising and you’re fasting, good on you. I really respect you for that. But why can’t I go into a restaurant and have food? How does it impact you? Don’t tell me that your iman is so completely weak that my having food will threaten your fast?

But I digress. The point is, tomorrow I have to go home for the Eid celebration. Why do I say “have”? Because that’s how I feel. With the development of everything in my life, Mother has been increasingly dismayed with me. Taiwan has kinda been the final straw. The only thing she asked me about Taiwan was, so what did you get in Taiwan?, with the conclusion that I got nothing and it was a complete waste of time because I was travelling in a state of maksiat. No curiosity, no pride, no nothing. And ever since I came back from Taiwan, Mother really hasn’t talked to me. Even if she is forced to be part of our family video calls, she finds excuses to cut things short or to be busy with something else. You get it what it’s like to be in the presence of someone who is just generally disappointed in you and giving you the cold shoulder, so you can understand how very stressed I’ve been this whole week, since coming back from Taiwan even.

I have considered not going home, just sitting out Eid this time around. I have considered going no contact, even. If the person I’m talking about was a boyfriend, he’d long been given the boot. But this is my mom. No matter how I feel about our relationship, no matter how hurt I get from her treatment of me, I genuinely believe that she’s doing it out of love. Her own myopic definition of love with no ability to consider any other alternative perspective, to be sure, but like, it’s not coming from a place of malice. So like, even though I know that she’s supposed to carry her own emotions, I also understand that she’s emotionally 6 or 8 or something and that she’s simply incapable of it. And like, if you think about some other mothers or parents who don’t love their child… I don’t believe that of my mom. Oh she resents me now, a lot even, maybe she even hates me – but they all stem from her love towards me.

And like, I resent her, too. Oh I resent her a lot. Every time I think about how much I bend to her will. Every time I think about doing anything impulsive and then deciding against it because one of us has to be the adult in this relationship and since she’s unable to so I’m gonna have to be that for us… Like, I considered not going home but decided against it because LilSis is celebrating Eid at her husband’s kampung. I think if no daughter goes home to her this Eid, she would completely fall apart, regardless of how much she resents the daughter who goes home.

So like this whole week I’ve just been feeling… off. I know I must have a lot of feelings, but I’m unable to identify what it is. When I try to look inward and summon my shadow parts and see if any of them needs attention… crickets. A few weeks ago I suffered from mild insomnia because all of them would be so very loud whenever I tried to go to bed, but now they’re all quiet. But it’s not a peaceful quiet. It’s quiet, but I’ve been struggling. I have had no motivation and had to really push myself to complete at least the very basic of things that are demanded of me professionally. But beyond that? I stay up late wayyy past midnight inexplicably, I’m exhausted most days because, duh, I’m lacking sleep, I’m exhausted even on days when I get adequate amount of sleep, and I’m just stuck doomscrolling most days. I know that I shouldn’t be doomscrolling and I even want to do something else, but I would end up just doomscrolling.

Today I had a therapy session and my therapist commended me for havig compassion for myself despite all the challenges. And to be fair, yes I should notice that, too. Sometimes when a voice pipes up trying to criticise me for whatever bad decision I made then, another voice would catch it and say something like, it’s ok, we’ll try again tomorrow. So I want to note also that despite everything, I’ve been showing myself love by feeding myself well. I made sure to get protein and fibre and probiotics despite everything. Some days I was unable to, just stuck doomscrolling, but some days I managed to get myself swimming or walking after work. I try. I’m trying really hard. Even scheduling the therapy session – I know I needed help and I’m trying to give myself help.

I’m aware that sometimes when things are tough, I treat therapy sessions almost like a magic cure, like I have an almost unrealistic expectation that the therapist would give me all the answer and all the tools and all the cure, and things will magically be okay. I know that’s not true, but one can fantasise, right? I went into today’s session full of hopes that I would feel better prepared to go home for Eid. While the session was helpful, something still felt off.

The road after the session was JAMMED. Which was unsurprising given that it was the evening of the final work day before Eid. Everyone was rushing to go home, either to their home or their hometown. Once I started my healing journey, traffic congestion stopped bothering me, mostly. Partly it’s me working through my anxiety – it’s great to be on time, but it’s nothing that serious – partly it’s me reframing my philosophy on life. Nothing, really, is that serious. So like, if people want to go in front of me or whatever, yeah, no biggie, I can afford to make your life easier – perhaps sometimes I need a favour I hope someone would extend me that grace.

But just now I was stuck in a long queue. There are two lanes, but the one on the left, with the long queue, would go straight, whereas the one on the right, almost completely free, would turn right near the end. Some drivers decided to take advantage of the situation and use the free right lane to cut queue by zooming past all of us queuing and asking to come into the left lane near the fork. For some reason, this incensed me. Not that I was in a rush to go anywhere, but I die-die wouldn’t let any car cut in front of me. One was forced to beg the lorry ahead of me and the lorry relented to my chagrin. They were a lorry – they should have just scratched the asshole.

But then when that car finally managed to merge, I saw that their plate number started with P. To be fair, it was very possible that they were a local driver despite their Penang plate number, in which case they really were an asshole, but what if it was a genuine case of them not realising that the two lanes diverged and that they had made an innocent mistake? Had I no empathy at all? What benefit was it to me to make their life that little bit harder?

So I sat in the car ruminating, feeling bad about myself for lacking empathy. The people pleasing impulse was also triggered – I had dared to say no but now I’m feeling bad about that no. I had to work really hard to assure myself that hey, it’s okay to say no. It’s really okay. They asked and you didn’t want to give, and you said no. It’s really fine. That calmed me down a little bit, but then I worried that taking such a stance would make me selfish because I would rather say no than showing empathy. Then a voice pipes up, you do know that some people abuse other people’s empathy, right? And that’s what you’re angry about, that some of these people take advantage of others. And you remember we learned about this in therapy – that anger is a useful emotion? Anger tells you when your boundary has been violated. Anger tells you when an injustice has occurred. It makes perfect sense to feel angry towards selfish drivers who cut queue.

And just like that, everything clicked into place. I am angry at my mother. That’s what I’ve been feeling. I’ve even been articulating it – that I’m angry and resentful at my mom for the way she’s been treating me – but I’ve never been able to experience the anger. Not fully. I have never been taught how to deal with my anger, I have never been allowed the safe space to experience anger, to sit with the anger and honour it. All my life, anger is associated with destructiveness. Biodad has an explosive temper and he’s made many a decision in anger and all those decisions were destructive. I don’t know if Mother ever displayed anger – I can’t remember it. When she would get into fights with Dad, both of them would resort to passive-aggressiveness and giving the other silent treatment, and both would use me as a go-between pawn. I think more recently Mother actually experienced a lot of anger with regards to her family and with regards to me, but what I witnessed is her simply absorbing and temping it down. LilSis is a lot more aggressive, getting angry at the smallest provocation, but that would stress and scare me, too. Recently, if you remember the Friday incident, I tried telling her that I was angry with her, and that backfired spectacularly and she ended up being angry with me and I was the one who had to apologise and do damage control.

In short, I have a lot of anger but I don’t know what to do with them. They don’t even show up – they’re too scared to.

I paused for a second and an image came to mind. If a therapist was to ask me if I could visualise what anger looked like, Anger is a little fireball baby. It desperately wants to be held and cuddled, but it’s a fireball and it burns anyone who touches it.

Righto. I gotta find a way to spend the fire power so that the fireball cools down.

Katak

I just came back from seeing my mother. We sat together for 2.5 hours. She didn’t ask one line about me.

I don’t think I’m sad, but I feel kinda blue. Or am I sad but invalidating myself avout it?

Today during lunch I tried bullfrogs for the first time. Katak, you know, katak? The taste and texture is somewhat a cross between chicken and squid, just with aaaaaa lot of bones, if that makes sense?

Anyway. I guess I feel blue because I actually have so much going on in my life and I’m lucky that I do have people to share them with now, but I guess Mother will never be a safe space for me. I know that already, but I guess I still need to grieve it a little more.

Just keep swimming

I’m having a hard time. I don’t know why. On the surface, everything in my life is going swimmingly that anything I say is just me complaining. But I honestly feel like I’m drowning.

Wait. I’m the knight?

You know about that guy yesterday? It’s not about finding him, is it?

No, it’s about me being that person for me, isn’t it?

I’d probably wish for this if I ever met a genie

My dearest wish right now is when I wanna cook something, my pantry magically has all the ingredients in exactly the right amount. And the utensils, too. No, not utensils. What do you call kitchen equipment?

Lelaki idaman healing edition

You know what hurts the most about ending things with Mr. Geocache? That he’s a geocacher. That he’s happy to go round digging in bushes the whole day long with me.

Last weekend I went to a theme park with Lil Sis and Mr. Konk, my brother-in-law. Mr. Konk can’t handle the rides – they scramble his insides and he gets motion sickness. So for most of the day it was just me and Lil Sis while Mr. Konk sits around waiting for us, nursing his condition. It’s great he didn’t get pissy about things and didn’t ask to leave early, but on the other hand, you have a member of your party who is out of commission, you know, and that’s not a good feeling, too.

On the other hand, there’s me and Lil Sis running around like it used to be back in the days, when it’s just us, when used to be compatible about most things. When she got together with Mr. Konk, I often tried to avoid being the third wheel, for all that both of them are really welcoming of me. Then when things evolved from us being two to three, there are three schedules to juggle and it’s often more challenging to find a matching time for things. And once they got together, their thinking and beliefs evolve – as they should – but Mr. Konk is really quite traditional, quite carelessly misogynistic even, and Lil Sis has evolved in a direction away from me. Then there are things like this, like riding roller-coasters, where Mr. Konk isn’t up to par – but that’s just human, and I wanna be considerate.

Part of my healing from Mr. Geocacher is needing to believe that there’s someone out there who is for me. There are people out there that are for me, even – let’s do away with the scarcity mindset. But I’m really struggling to believe it. I mean I’m fine on my own, like I’m not scared or desperate or anything like that, but still, you know?

I used to be able to conjure boyfriends in my head and I was fine. Now I’m heal(ing) and I no longer want fantasies. I want the real thing. But my real thing is a tall order. Where am I gonna find a guy (cause despite my best efforts I’m still straight, sigh) who meets all these criteria? Cause my guy needs to be safe and compatible with me in the following aspects:

• Physical
  • Physically safe i.e. not physically abusive
  • Gentle
  • Safe driver (cause I’ve ridden in cars with reckless drivers that made me fear for my life)
  • Takes calculated risks (like during hiking or extreme activities – takes risks but “safe” risks)
  • Adventurous – game to do things with me. Even things like riding roller-coasters with me. It looks stupid to have that as a requirement, but I need my person to be able to enjoy these things with me.
  • Takes on equitable physical and mental loads
  • Don’t want children. I’m not making babies, period.
• Intellectual
  • Kind
  • Curious
  • Open-minded
  • Has sound critical thinking skills
  • Willing to honour and question traditions
  • Lifelong learner (haha this term is a joke in academic circles, but for real tho, there’s always more to learn)
  • Respectful
• Sexual
  • Playful
  • Respectful
  • Curious
  • Educated e.g. don’t call yourself a dom if you’ve never learned of the responsibilities attached to being a dom
  • Open to feedback
  • Compatible libido
  • Generous with non-sexual touches. Need me my non-sexual kisses and hugs
• Financial
  • I’m very privileged. Grew up privileged and have a comfy lifestyle now. Not rich, but comfy. He’s gotta at least match my financial level
  • Financially savvy. Like, he’s got his money and assets all planned out. Not careless with them
  • Generous, especially with me. There is no point getting on with a rich guy if he’s stingy with you. Cause I’m generous with those I love – so I want my guy to be really considerate of me financially
• Spiritual
  • Has thought about his spiritual beliefs (you’d be surprised how many people have never even considered it)
  • Respectful
  • Curious and willing to explore
• Psychological
  • Not a narc. Given my grandfather and fathers, this has been a pattern of the relationship I grew up with. Almost fell into it with Mr. Pirate, but I’m glad I recognised the signs and got out early
  • Can hold space. Is not afraid of emotions
  • Has done the work. Understands his own traumas, triggers, attachment styles, etc. and can handle them
  • Respectful
  • Communicates well
  • Gentle
  • Patient
  • Supportive
  • Celebrate my successes
  • Compatible life goals – e.g. no children, lots of adventure and fun, money is important but not more important than our time together, respectful of each other’s families

Haha I’m looking at this list and I just gave out a big sigh. Where the hell am I gonna find this guy? Is he really out there? I mean to be fair Mr. Geocacher only ticks the physical list – maybe a lil bit of the financial list – but for the rest of it, he really couldn’t be bothered. Really couldn’t. So he’s not like perfect or anything. But it’s just that he was there, you know?

You know, some days I don’t even want a man. I only want a man, not to be crass, but when I’m horny. I mean the rest of it I still can handle on my own, but sex? No matter how many toys you have it’s still not the same as human touch. I’m really trying to stop my “risky sexual behaviour” – which, hooking up with random men is. I’m really not trying to get murdered or end up with STDs. But the alternative to random hook-ups is getting a man, and getting a man is way more challenging than they said. And, unfortunately, I do get attached too easily so even just hooking up has to be with the right man, you know?

Am I… too particular?

Please get therapy, I beg you

If I told you that I don’t feel safe sharing things with you, work on becoming a safe person instead of getting offended.

Every time I try to bring up something, it ends up being a quarrel between us, because you will bring up my faults as your self defence. And of course my automatic reaction is to defend myself. Until I remember to stop and listen.

But do you ever listen to me?

We talked about this issue in therapy recently, the idea that in relationships both parties have to be committed to growth. If the growth is one-sided, sadly one side might outgrow the other. When that happens, more boundaries have to be in place or worse, some people have to be cut from your life. I have recently cut Ms. Married off from my life after realising that whenever she’s in my life she leaves me in disarray.

I’m not saying that I’m cutting off Lil Sis, but I must say that I’m getting resentful about our dynamics. I was deeply codependent before and I carried her. During her depressive and suicidal episodes, I carried her. Now I’m trying to differentiate myself from her, and she’s not having it.

I’m resentful of it because she wouldn’t go to therapy. She just wants to stay where she is and expects me to cater to her. It annoyed me to hear her say that she alone was carrying our relationship because she cannot see how heavy she sits on me emotionally. I understand why she can’t see it, but I’m resentful that she’s not making efforts so that she could start to see it. She is deeply anxious, and that makes her self-centred – everything must be me me me first with her – and she cannot see how that drives me away.

After our talk just now I am reminded anew that she is anxious, that if I reassure her that I’m here, I haven’t gone anywhere, then she will calm down. But is that my job, or is that being codependent?