So this atheist guy fell into my life, and he’s kinda turned it upside down. I’m a little too perturbed to write coherently, but long story short our conversation has got me thinking about my beliefs and what they mean. I mean we haven’t discussed theology in any detail – I get the impression that he’s completely abandoned religion, or that’s what he tells himself anyway. There’s just that little edge every time he proclaims that he is an atheist, just a little hint of too much protest, that leads me to suspect that while he wants to believe that he is a nonchalant, proud atheist, he’s not quite there yet. After all, if he was really at ease with the whole thing, why would he be interested in my journey? Like, interested interested. Or maybe I’m overthinking things. Perhaps he’s just trying to get into my pants.
Anyway, it’s not like I don’t know that I’m leading a double life, but what he said led me to ruminate on my status as a munafiq as I performed the Maghrib prayer today (haha, the parents are over for a visit, you see). It doesn’t sit well with me. There is just something so malicious about the munafiqs, that it’s not enough that they’re unbelieving, they are actually actively trying to inflict as much harm as possible on Islam and its believers. That’s not me at all. While I think that religion is nothing more than an ideological state apparatus useful enough to maintain social order, I can recognise that it genuinely brings solace to certain people. Even Mother bases her entire identity around the concept of religion for reasons too complicated to delve into here, so I would never say that religion isn’t useful. And I wouldn’t dream of bursting that protective layer for those that need it. For all that I’m a pagan (I know this actually means something, but I wanna use it as euphemism for non-believer so sue me), I’ve never tried to encourage others to turn away from their religion. In fact, I would occasionally remind friends and students to remember to perform prayers etc., so I find it very grating to find myself grouped with malicious hypocrites.
On the one hand, there is that historical context of the spy-saboteur that actively tried to undermine the newly established religion-state in early Muslim history that led to such animosity against those who hide their true belief. On the other hand, isn’t it just so typical of the victim mentality narrative prevalent in Islam – the devil is out to get us, the kafirs are out to get us, the munafiqs are out to get us, everyone is out to get us.
I mean, look at it objectively – are the hypocrites cloaked in order to inflict damage, or are they underground for fear of persecution? Because, although hypocrisy isn’t really punishable in our mortal world – the only promised outcome is hell in the afterlife – apostasy is punishable by death in Islam, and to admit that you’re a hypocrite is directly equivalent to admitting apostasy. I’m not well-versed on the actual punishments on apostasy as carried out in Malaysia, but I do know that you’ll face very severe consequences like in the case of Lina Joy.
TL;DR: I’m a hypocrite not because I’m malicious; I’m in the closet for self-preservation.
OtakMonyet 